Currently: March

Currently living/working: My time as the dutiful daughter in NJ will be winding down mid April as I’ll hand off the caregiver torch to my sister to take over the hospice care in her home (in CT) while I return to AK in time for our typical robust summer work schedule. 

Current mood: I’m trying not to be too much of a drama queen, but I’m still processing the fact that I’ve been in NJ since Dec. 26. The 90+ days have been long, but the months are a blur. It’s almost like I’m outside looking in & don’t really recognize who I am anymore. I so badly want this stage of my life to be over, however, I also know what that means. For those looking for an update, my mom’s life is either hanging on by a delicate thread, or by the thickest rope ever. 

Currently amazed by: Caregiving is a job I had no training for, but I doggy paddled my way through it. It’s a nonlinear path, and my sister & I learned what worked for our family. When you enter into the situation, it’s like a gushing fire hose that makes you feel pretty overwhelmed & isolated. It takes courage to stay in the moment with an unclear course of action that might change from day to day. This was especially hard for my personality type. I am fully aware I won’t regret my time here. Nonetheless, being in the caregiver club of ailing parents is an albatross.

Currently thankful for: I am rich in friendship here on the East Coast. It worked to my advantage that I grew up here in NJ and many of my OLDEST (not in age) friends still live in the area. There is no way I could have gotten through my time here without these girlfriends. I was constantly moping and moaning with deep dark thoughts, and my girlfriends were there to hear me out and validate my feelings during a walk … or some alcoholic bevies.  

Currently not excited for: I don’t actually look forward to being 3000 miles away from my mom’s situation. My personality beckons being in control, and while I have 100% confidence in my sister, I wonder how I’ll handle not micromanaging my mom’s details and trying to live my life as if everything is normal. 

Currently worried about: The future is written in sand. Uncertainty is a skill that takes a lifetime to accept. I’m going to try not to get in the weeds too much this summer because I have a feeling I’m going to have to turn around and come back to CT/NJ at any given moment. 

Currently excited for: I’m hopeful for a mental pirouette once I touch ground in Alaska. If I can get past the powerless feeling of my mom’s situation, I know I will enjoy another magical summer in Alaska.

Current confession: Peace and quiet is a product of my environment deep in the woods of empty Alaska, so being in the Tri-State area for an extended period of time was a tad jarring to my nervous system. 

Currently proud of: I didn’t give up on those article pitches I’ve been working on all winter, and finally scored assignments!

Current guilty pleasure: I’m living in a place with consistent diversity in food, and have been an avid consumer of this perk. 

Currently reading: FIVE books this month!

Almost Somewhere by Suzanne Roberts is absolutely one of the best trail memoirs I’ve read (this statement speaks volumes, as I think I’ve read at least 3 dozen in the trail memoir genre). I was already a fan of the author thanks to her other memoir Bad Tourist, but I actually loved Almost Somewhere more. Probably has something to do with my jonesing for a long-distance hike in my life… Anyway, Suzanne’s all-women thru hike of the JMT took place in 1993, so she gains major kudos for being a pioneer (very few women, no cell phone, no GPS, very little beta about the JMT, heavy gear). But more than that, she is an engaging storyteller, and I appreciate her candid honesty. 

It’s no secret I am fascinated by mortality and how we die. In Love by Amy Bloom introduced a new concept to me: accompanied suicide provided by Dignitas in Switzerland. Yes, there are several U.S. states that allow the right to die with dignity, but you still need to have a prognosis of 6 months to live. Amy Bloom’s husband received a diagnosis of Alzheimer’s in his mid-60s, and decided he didn’t want the “long, slow goodbye” that would wreck their lives. And so this book follows the heart-wrenching journey of Amy helping her husband die by suicide. It’s a courageous topic, but she doesn’t neutralize the experience to make it comfortable. She tells it like it is. 

I had mixed feelings about The Year of Magical Thinking by Joan Didion. It’s a memoir about Didion’s own personal grieving process the year after her husband died unexpectedly. To quote her, grief is a place that you can only know when you reach it. With that being said, I think I was hoping to learn something about the coping process, but what this book did was confirm that it is individualized. 

I didn’t love this memoir, Meet Me Tonight in Atlantic City by Jane Wong, which was really a choppy collection of random thoughts. I thought the book would focus more on Wong growing up in the 1980s in NJ, but it had more about her adulthood traumas. I struggled to finish. 

Women Talking by Miriam Toews is a classic case of the description sounding good, but hating the actual book. I picked it up merely because the e-book became available at my library. Not sure if it was the play-like format in the writing, or just the bland plot, but I’m not sure how (or why) I even finished it. 

Currently watching on Netflix/Peacock/HBO Max/Starz/AMC: Back in Alaska, Justin has been streaming Full Swing 2 (golf thing) and Blacklist on Netflix. I mostly still watch a lot of TV with my mom … but I am streaming 90-Day Fiance on HBO Max when I need a good distraction.